A conversation with my mother stirred up some dormant emotions today.
Can we have it all?
I am a 25 year old woman with many goals, and the Aries-like attack to go about getting them. I ram head first into everything I want. So much so, I didn't realize it, but when I get close to men, touching my forehead to their chest, back, or shoulder is actually a form of affection for me. Go figure?
Though my current breakup has more levels that are revealed to me, personally, with every passing day there's one theme that apparently presented itself to my mother and brother alike.
Living the life I live, primarily being at a point where I want to travel and see the world over other things, is a life-altering experience with some huge sacrifices. Especially in the world of Facebook, it seems like at every corner someone you went to high school with is either getting married, pregnant, and in some cases approaching their first divorce. I am officially in that age bracket. This is the societal norm. Yet, my lifestyle is far from norm. So do the same rules, or theology, apply to me?
I don't see this as a case of the grass being greener on the other side. I see it as people's lives taking different paths. But, is there some place when you can have the travel, the freedom, the exploration of the world and yourself...but also have love and a relationship while pursuing it? Is it possible? There are a number of couples with my company that did this excursion as a couple. They have made it a priority to see the world, yet make their relationship work simultaneously.
I want that. I want the man that has this need just as much as I do, is willing and able to travel, and share this growth with me. I want someone who understands this alternative lifestyle, its importance, and digs it as much as I do.
There is a serious fear I am facing here. The fear of ending up alone due to my 'over-ambition', and lack of men that will be able to keep up with it. What makes me so vulnerable to hurt right now, I realized in talking with Megan, is that......I thought I had it. I saw something in someone that I thought this could work with.
And as I have told him, I cannot be mad at him for giving me hope. For showing me an inkling of possibility.
Many things were said during the conversation..."It won't happen until you are settled somewhere, and for more than a year." There's validity to it all, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow, especially right now.
Outside of this conversation I have referred to, there have been others where I wonder if people hear what they say.
For example, I had a conversation with someone I hadn't seen or spoken to in years. We were never too close, but enough to say hello every once in awhile. At an attempt to catch up, she asks me what I have been up to, and what my future goals are. I recited my intentions and her immediate response was, "Oh so you must not want to get married and have a family then."
Fighting the urge I had to tell her to go fuck herself, I had to stop and understand that just as I may not relate to those that get married at my age, many of them may not relate to what I am doing. And that is absolutely fine. But I was pissed because unbeknownst to her 'love' is one of my top priorities, and I CANNOT being to describe the amount of pain I feel knowing that my decisions with my life, may in deed, be keeping love away from me, right now. It's just a reality to my movement.
Truthfully, I feel I am at my best when in love, and have always preferred being in a relationship to the 'dating' scene. So, contrary to popular belief, one day I want to be married, and I want kids, and I want to show that family the same world I have been exploring on my own.
I will not move around like this forever. For now, it is what I have to do. So that when that day comes, and that man enters my life, I am then ready to give all of me because I have grown and found all of me. I will never stop traveling, but I will develop a home. My own home.