I've realized, specifically over the course of this insane last 7 days that I've had, that I'm turning into my ex boyfriend. I'm turning into the person he was when we broke up, to be exact....
Now, this isn't a bad thing but it's a hell of a realization to have, and it shows me that life is spinning in a climax of organized chaos at the moment.
I have tons of respect for my ex, and there is a part of me that will always appreciate what we shared together. He still has split parentship of my cat for goodness sake.....
When we decided to split, it was a point at which he (probably even moreso than I) was gunning for his dreams like a fu*king Mac truck down the Auto Bahn. There was no stopping him. Frankly, that was one of the things I found sexiest about him. He was working two jobs, going to auditions, booking auditions, hitting the gym daily, and taking acting classes.
He turned into a machine.
I have never, in my life, ever witnessed anyone lock in and load off the way this man could. It was inhumane at points in time. Then at the end of it all, he had me. An entrepreneur and dream driver myself (no doubt) but as a woman I was born with that multitasking gene where we can do everything effectively for the most part, while only throwing our emotional stability into jeopardy.
So that was me, and that was him. And that's where it had to end.
Now, some nine months after the split. I am in a point in my life of machinery. I have become that damn machine. I juggle between any three given jobs, depending on the week, the Tribe, the series, building the business, and trying to keep some type of workout regime myself.
I more clearly understand where he was at this time. It's a mix of juggling and balancing simultaneously.
In looking at where I am, I asked myself the other day: How was he ever in a relationship and still doing all this stuff?
Granted, I am extremely supportive of my man's pursuits, so there wasn't any bitching. I initiated the end before we got there.
But damn....still. I don't know how he did it for however long he did because I realized over the course of this last week: I have no time to be in a serious relationship.
Besides being terrified of anything that would take time, energy, and focus away from this here movement....I simply don't have any of those things to spare at the moment. nada.
So I guess, this blog is a, "Ahh, I get it now..." type of blog. But it also let's me know I'm locked in. I have the most going on than ever. And I'm the farthest along I've ever been. That's not a coincidence.
I'm heading home knowing that I'm making the right decision...building is coming first right now, and being single (mingling is fine) is in my best interest at the moment.
to be continued....