Hello. My name is Evita. And I've been bullshitting...

Seriously. My writing as of lately has felt more like a document of events, than a real gut exposing release.

Skimming on the surface, with a few dips down to get my hair wet, but I haven't submerged myself in awhile. Even with my journal writing, the really good stuff that seldom goes past my eyes, I've been skating.

Usually this happens when I'm fighting something inside that really wants/needs to come out, or I simply haven't been struck with enough inspiration to open the flood gates.

I got a trigger last night.

So post-BGR, a friend of a friend was gracious enough to offer two of us a ride, one home in Brooklyn, and me to the Franklin stop for the 4-train. What started as a car full of five, ended in a car of four. The sexes were split right down the middle and the conversation turned to relationships/marriage.

First, I need to preface the wisdom by saying how much I miss intelligent, in-depth, experience infused conversations about things that matter. Last night we dove into politics, the education system, privatized prisons, generations coming up and how lost they are, etc...I get hype when in environments like that. My brain was stimulated, and even with the clocks pushed back, I was awake.

Then it hit...

Female: "You know what one of our problems is? We talk about marriage like it's an event. Like marriage is one day, the wedding, or the engagement. The elders don't talk about what it's like to not want to talk to your husband for a month. I want to know how to get through that shit."

Me: "And you live under the same roof."

Male: "Exactly, people have to work on their marriage every single day."

I understood that the car was moving, but my mind was stuck. If that wasnt one of the most poignant points of confusion in regards to marriage, then damn then I don't know what is. It was so true and so simple. My boyfriend, by the end of this year, will have gone to his umpteeth wedding and not saying it shouldn't have that type of emphasis, but everything is wrapped around that day, and I'm not sure how much thought has been put into what comes after. How do you deal with knowing you love your partner, but waking up one day and wanting to rearrange their face? How do you deal with the REAL day to day, influx of life as individuals and partners?

I read an interview with Lala post her reality tv wedding to Carmelo, and someone asked her how it feels to be married. Her response, "Exactly the same!"

Thank you Lala. I don't know who I may piss off with this next comment, but real talk, it should feel exactly the same. That day, with all it's glory (and I take nothing away from it) should not be the cataclismic change in your relationship. You should already be at the point, therefore affirming that this person is, indeed, the one.

As the conversation progressed, I revealed my own thoughts in where I am in my life. Truth be told, I'm scared right now. Evolving none the less. Scared because I am changing, and I feel it in my bones, and it's starting to shape my thoughts. Evita's priorities are beginning to change.

My mother told me one day, "Travel, see the world now! You are your only responsibility. One day you may wake up and want to have children, and get married." Younger Evita would have dismissed that comment, and burned it at the stake.

Present day Evita is like damn...she has a point. That scares me. I'm a proud, non-mid life crisis having twenty-six year old. I am in the center of the 'societal' age of wedding bands and babies. I have neither and I'm fine with that. But, my mind is morphing.

Morphing for most people is "Ok, I'm ready now." My morphing is more along the lines of "Ok, I may want this a few years down the line, so what steps do I have to take gradually to make sure that when it's right then, I'm prepared." No overnights here. But, again, the mere acknowledgment and thinking about it, scares me. Im glad it scares me. It should and it will make sure that it all happens in its own due time.

Well I don't know about you readers, but I sure as hell feel alot better getting that out...shit, I feel lighter.