Crying is actually my default stress relief. When I have had no more, I've reached my brink, and emotions are at a high, I cry.
I'm not good at this saying goodbye piece. Never have been, never will be. I have trouble letting go, and wish I could take everyone and everything I've ever come across with me for life. I've been in the middle of a week long goodbye. I got my fight (excuse me, medley of flights) confirmed, and in 4 hours, I will start the first leg, having me end up in Bangkok before the night's end.
My next two days: Chiang Mai-Bangkok-Hong Kong-Dubai-NYC
It's a lot. Bittersweet as it is, I stand by my decision to leave the show, and Thailand, early. Approaching the 8 week mark, of 12 weeks, to be exact.
Another day, another blog, I'm sure the details will come out. Today is not about the goodies. It's about the love. All that needs to be known for the moment is that, for a number of reasons, it was time for me to head stateside.
I knew today would be difficult. From finding out last night that I'd be leaving today, I knew it was going to run me through the ringer emotionally, and it has. it's been hard for me to look Jean-Pierre and Jeremiah in the face today for fears I would collapse into tears at the very sight of their eyes. I genuinely love these two. I may have the front on now, but my heart aches, not for leaving Thailand or the project, but specifically for leaving them. They are what matters right now, on this side.
I think to the dinner they made for me the other night, and how much their actions of love transferred through their hearts and into my belly. That sounds gross but you get what I mean. I can't say enough positive things about both these men, and I am beyond grateful to have been able to truly offer them the title "friend". Friend to me, is as important as saying 'love' or 'trust'. Both of which I have for them.
One of the conversations I was dreading was that to be had with Thai Mom and Dad.
I knew, walking into it, I was going to end up as a lost cause. In the security of one of their guest houses, they sat me down in what looked to be a double therapy session.
"What happened? Why you leave?" This was repeated. I wanted nothing more than to stop myself from crying, because I know it worried them. I tried to explain that I cry because I am sad, but nothing bad has happened. Mom doesn't really play that though. She's yelled at the guys, on my behalf, for letting me walk into town alone...when it was really absolutely fine. She's made sure I was fed. Dr. Cosi drove me to and from hospitals and constantly checked up on me during the recovery of Dengue Fever. This has been a legit Thai home. I don't know what has left more of an impression, his care, or the words he left me with today.
"If you really feel I am like your father, and she like your mother, then I want to say something as like my child. When you grow into adult, sometimes you have to make a decision and not look back. You have to just keep straight if it is right for you." I needed to hear that more than he knew.
I apologize to the men of the house, in advance, I tried to calm their worries, but when Mom stops sending you free food, you'll know why.
Their daughter is a travel agent and even scored me a cheap last minute flight to take care of the leg I was missing from Bangkok to Hong Kong. Again, love. I'm surrounded by it, and grateful for it.
To these gentlemen, this house, Thai Mom and Dad, and Thailand...you have been a gracious host. I adore you for the hospitality, the learning about others and myself, as well as the very newfound appreciation I have for the concrete jungle I'm getting ready to return to.
Ka pun ka! (Thank you!)
I'm out...
