my brain hurts...but I love you

My brain is zoned out something crazy.

So, my goal was to finish the rough draft of the memoir for January 1st. Though that did not happen, I am so close to the end it's baffling almost to believe I have been doing this for so long. Over a year writing. My brain is starting to give way.

Towards the second half of last year I swore off reading anyone else's books until I finished the rough draft of my own. I have not read a book in months and it's starting to bother me. I have barely even written in my personal journal. No bullshit, that I need to find time to do because it's one of the ways I keep my balance. Last time I wrote in a journal was Christmas. Not a good look, I'm usually every day.

It's time. It's time to get this done. It's time to feel this manuscript in my fingers, and start editing something that isn't attached to my computer screen. It's time to allow myself some outside literature and get that reading muscle stimulated.

Only about twenty pages left, I estimate...it's the final stretch.

Dear memoir....my brain hurts, but I love you.

LA Laker Matt Barnes' message for Bethany...

Tonight 1 York Street in NYC entertained a great event. The Maserati dealership was the home of LA Laker, Matt Barnes' non-profit Athletes vs. Cancer Silent Auction. Tyson Beckford, Melyssa Ford, and a number of who's who was in the house, but the cause itself is what hit hardest.

Unbeknownst to me, Barnes lost his mother to cancer. He spoke briefly, over the drunken murmurs of the disrespectful guests taking full advantage of the open bar, and opened up about the personal reasons why he started Athletes vs Cancer. It was definitely a moment. I have a lot more respect and insight for Matt and his fiance than I ever had prior, Basketball Wives included.

Earlier this year, my boyfriend lost his uncle to a bout with cancer. For years my best friend, Bethany, has been a cancer survivor. Just recently it was brought to my attention that her remission has subsided, and she's back on the fight once again. I went to this event looking for network opportunities, and I left with nothing/no one on my mind but her.

To my friend, my hero, my love...LA Laker, Matt Barnes has a message for you baby girl...

I cheated...

Day three of the Master Cleanse, and I cheated.

Last night I had crackers. Not one or two. Enough to make me feel that a full on confession was needed in the form of a blog.

I've done it a number of times before, but the longest I've lasted was between 4-5 days. In my mind, if having (a numer of) crackers is going to keep me on this juice cleanse for a more extended period of time, then oh well. I didn't have a meal.

At least, that's what I told myself until the cramps started to ensue. I paid for my negligence. I won't be doing it again. I'm either sticking straight through it, or getting the hell out...gradually.

For those of you who don't know, the Master Cleanse is something that rids your body of toxins, a juice fast. It's recommended to be done for 11 days (good luck and godspeed on that one) but I do feel it's a personal decision. Everyone's body is different.

I tend to start it when I really feel the need. This go round was because my 'pipes seemed a bit clogged' and I felt remnants of Thailand still around. Nasty, I know, but not as nasty as what comes out of you on the cleanse itself. That Sea-Salt water flush is no joke. Give yourself an extra hour in the morning. You'll need it! I finish when everything is out and I feel the difference. Not to mention, I've dropped 3 pounds over the last 48 hours.

Check info on the Master Cleanse here.

Quick list of ingredients include:

Grade B Maple Syrup

Spring or Distilled water

Lemons/Limes

Cayenne Pepper

Sea Salt

Laxative Tea

Fun times....

at 1:55am all I want is...

A Fish Sandwich from Mos Burger

or a Tofu/Advocado burger from Freshess Burger...

Female hormones in full effect. Cravings on a 10...and my relief is 6,000 miles away.

What I would give for some Japanese fast food right now...damn.

5 things America should consider adopting...

1. Heated Toilet (Japan)

You don't know what you're missing in life, until you wake up on a freezing morning (in Japan) and sit on a toilet that is as well heated as the room you just stepped out of. Seriously! When your ass is warm, everything else truly just falls by the waistside. Best invention ever. If you're daring, like me, you'll learn to love the bidet as well.

2. Siesta (Spain)

Do I need to say more? Nap time, as an adult. In conjunction with this, the 35/hour work week would be a great addition as well.

3. Fish Spa (Cambodia. Thailand)

Craziest, weirdest shit ever, but so practical. Have hungry fish eat the dead skin off the bottom of your feet, in a big tank. If you're brave, just jump in. Give it a half hour and your entire body will feel like a baby's bottom....although you may be plauged with nightmares for life.

Remember my go at it?

4. Red Light districts (The Netherlands, Thailand, others I haven't yet visited)

Sex is sex. The more we look to hide it, the more dangerous (and alluring) it becomes. Red Light districts allow sex to live in a raunchy way, in it's own contained area. It's bought and sold with a person's own free will. In many countries it fuels the economy.

I would like to say that we could learn something from countries that I feel execute it well...like the city of Amsterdam. They are the blueprint of doing it, and doing it well. It's government run, the women are tested regulary and given health insurance. They are given safe places in which to do their business. The whole operation is regulated, and perfected as time goes on, in search of better safety and efficiency practices.

5. Healthy Eating/Portion Control (umm...everywhere outside America)

From personal experience, I lost fifteen pounds in five weeks while living in Paris. It is what jump started what is now a fifty pound weightloss that has been kept off for two years. Still eating baguettes, and pasta for dinner, the pounds fell off, much to the work of portion control and food that was free of preservative and full of nutrients. I can't talk enough about foreign menus. They put our American foods to shame. The compare and contrast of health value would shock and awe.

Even their junk foods are made of fresh rice, vegetables and fruits. Their sweets tend to hold less sugar than ours, and from the outside looking in "Yes, America you're fat." More importantly, we're unhealthy.  I remember being surprised that vending machine candy packets in France were half the size of ours. I had the nerve to feel like I wasn't getting enough product for my money.

More what, Evita? Fat. Sugar. Calories. Cellulite. What?

Or how I was pissed walking into a Japanese Mos Burger for the first time and watching them weigh my fries to make sure everyone had the exact same amount, and a healthy portion? I'd kill for some Mos Burger right now. You have no idea!

America, we eat too much crap! In terms of priority, this is definitely number one.

this hurt my heart...really, in 2010?

Evidently this chick doesn't realize that we live in a world of YouTube and viral streaming...and good for it.

Backstory is that the postman, who did more than keep his cool, was fired. He was fired. This video is posted as a way to garner an investigation into his firing and holding this 'woman' accountable for her actions. I will say this much. I hope this goes viral and blows up all over the internet. 114,000 YouTube views and counting.

People have even resorted to putting all her contact info on YouTube. Though I'd never do that, personally, I can see why. You reap what you sow...damn, this hurt my heart. 

get real...

Hello. My name is Evita. And I've been bullshitting...

Seriously. My writing as of lately has felt more like a document of events, than a real gut exposing release.

Skimming on the surface, with a few dips down to get my hair wet, but I haven't submerged myself in awhile. Even with my journal writing, the really good stuff that seldom goes past my eyes, I've been skating.

Usually this happens when I'm fighting something inside that really wants/needs to come out, or I simply haven't been struck with enough inspiration to open the flood gates.

I got a trigger last night.

So post-BGR, a friend of a friend was gracious enough to offer two of us a ride, one home in Brooklyn, and me to the Franklin stop for the 4-train. What started as a car full of five, ended in a car of four. The sexes were split right down the middle and the conversation turned to relationships/marriage.

First, I need to preface the wisdom by saying how much I miss intelligent, in-depth, experience infused conversations about things that matter. Last night we dove into politics, the education system, privatized prisons, generations coming up and how lost they are, etc...I get hype when in environments like that. My brain was stimulated, and even with the clocks pushed back, I was awake.

Then it hit...

Female: "You know what one of our problems is? We talk about marriage like it's an event. Like marriage is one day, the wedding, or the engagement. The elders don't talk about what it's like to not want to talk to your husband for a month. I want to know how to get through that shit."

Me: "And you live under the same roof."

Male: "Exactly, people have to work on their marriage every single day."

I understood that the car was moving, but my mind was stuck. If that wasnt one of the most poignant points of confusion in regards to marriage, then damn then I don't know what is. It was so true and so simple. My boyfriend, by the end of this year, will have gone to his umpteeth wedding and not saying it shouldn't have that type of emphasis, but everything is wrapped around that day, and I'm not sure how much thought has been put into what comes after. How do you deal with knowing you love your partner, but waking up one day and wanting to rearrange their face? How do you deal with the REAL day to day, influx of life as individuals and partners?

I read an interview with Lala post her reality tv wedding to Carmelo, and someone asked her how it feels to be married. Her response, "Exactly the same!"

Thank you Lala. I don't know who I may piss off with this next comment, but real talk, it should feel exactly the same. That day, with all it's glory (and I take nothing away from it) should not be the cataclismic change in your relationship. You should already be at the point, therefore affirming that this person is, indeed, the one.

As the conversation progressed, I revealed my own thoughts in where I am in my life. Truth be told, I'm scared right now. Evolving none the less. Scared because I am changing, and I feel it in my bones, and it's starting to shape my thoughts. Evita's priorities are beginning to change.

My mother told me one day, "Travel, see the world now! You are your only responsibility. One day you may wake up and want to have children, and get married." Younger Evita would have dismissed that comment, and burned it at the stake.

Present day Evita is like damn...she has a point. That scares me. I'm a proud, non-mid life crisis having twenty-six year old. I am in the center of the 'societal' age of wedding bands and babies. I have neither and I'm fine with that. But, my mind is morphing.

Morphing for most people is "Ok, I'm ready now." My morphing is more along the lines of "Ok, I may want this a few years down the line, so what steps do I have to take gradually to make sure that when it's right then, I'm prepared." No overnights here. But, again, the mere acknowledgment and thinking about it, scares me. Im glad it scares me. It should and it will make sure that it all happens in its own due time.

Well I don't know about you readers, but I sure as hell feel alot better getting that out...shit, I feel lighter.

one of those days...

Thinking about you kid...

This is definitely one of the days Tara said I'd have. When no matter how much time has passed, tears have cried, and memories relived, I will still feel the pain of your death.

This song reminds me of you so much and it was the anthem in the city this past summer, so I felt like you were tauntung me. You were :)

Love you Rudi. Help me get through it, please.

ball of confusion...

Left. Right. Up. Down. Where to go?

Ever have a situation in your life shake shit up so much that you feel like everything you think you knew, and thought you believed was all tossed back into the air at once?

Concrete theologies, certainties...blown to bits and your mind, rapidly and persistent, tries to understand what the hell is going on.

I'm not sure anymore. What do I believe? What is right? What is worth it? What is my truth?

Figuring it out...I guess.

I haven't let the stream out in awhile...when did this all start?...I still don't know how I feel about Thailand, and everyone keeps asking...work today felt great...New York has my respect...I don't want to be the face of other people's shit anymore, therefore no I'm not applying...I love my sister...my Mom passes judgments, but she's learning to apologize...Jason is the best friend for real...I wish Bethany was around...in another space and time, it could have happened...Kombucha would be nice right now...red wine fucked my stomach up... I want to feel sexy...acknowledgment...is needing attention bad, or normal?...I'm getting sick of Facebook updates...sometimes I get scared when I check pages in Twitter...I feel overwhelmed, not because of work, but because of my brain...I want to go see Rudi's bedroom...one day he told me I was a genuis who thought too much, that's why I had anxiety...he's fucking right...sex...passion...lost to be found somewhere...money comes when most crucial...relationships are hard work, every type...need a vacation...need to sit down...mad at myself for not finishing the memoir...Jeremiah's one liners...Jean-Pierre's man crib...this long curly hair...balance being honest about my life and keeping enough hidden to suffice others...this writing is probably the most therapy I've had in months...working out again...feeling better, while feeling worse...why did he ask about soul mates?...leave me alone...Natalie Imbruglia "Torn"...feels like I am once again having to prove myself, just a different scenario...be here, now...i am...real talk...letting out...let me.

Germany: Ryan Leslie $20,000 Reward

The video speaks for itself. Yes, there are a million shoulda, coulda, wouldas, but now is not the time. I've had friends have this happen on a small scale. I could only imagine what the wealth is to Ryan. He's an artist I greatly admire and have way less that six degrees of seperation from.

Germany, let's get this man's property back to him! Knowing the way he is with his fans, and from chosen words in the video, I think $20,000 is the base of what he's willing to give for the return of property.

Thanks guys! Enjoy some of my flicks below at Ryan's sold out SOB's show in NYC. It was cool to kick it that night. Note the photo of him and Usher, his friend who also got GOT with about a million dollars worth of goods stolen. Protect your shit, I extend that from the previous blog.

Email for leads: ryanleslielaptopreturn@gmail.com

@ryanleslie Twitter explains more of the story:

I keep my laptop, drives and other personal affairs in a black Incase backpack. In the 20mins around my entrance to club Loom last night...

...I left the backpack in the rear driver's side seat of a secured Mercedes S350. The security drivers left the car unattended to escort me.

Someone outside saw this opportunity to snag the backpack. If u saw something or hear anything - hit me: ryanleslielaptopreturn@gmail.com

For the record, I had so many amazing music & visual projects on that MacBook that I was working on to share with u this winter.

scary sh*t...

Everyone has all their Halloween costumes ready. New York City is already a freak show. Halloween just gives the city one night to really let it all hang out. Fake blood, masks, and the like may be the scariest part of the year for many.

For me, the picture above ignites terror. I went to sleep to find that my computer wouldn't turn on, with or without my (admittingly) makeshift power adapter that is (embarrassingly) half Japanese and half American. Don't ask. According to the photo, it's also bi-racial. 

It's realizing that so much, if not all, of what you do, is done on this machine. Backing up is a must, but still, the thought. All your work, possibly unattainable? I don't know about you but that scares the shit out of me.

Regardless, a trip to the Genius Bar and Tekserve and we are now back in business. Again, my cat and my technologies are my children right now. Have to make sure they are well.

stranded...

I have been stranded in Hong Kong now for what is well over 24 hours.

I have spent over 48 hours in airports, and two nights attemptiong sleep will being awkwardly stretched out over seats in airport departure terminals.

My eating and hydration is scarce, and slowly but surely, I feel like all patience is ridden from my body.

I am on my second phone card. I am in a partnership with my mother, father, and brother in trying to find out what the hell is going on with my flight.

This is, by far the worst situation I have ever been in, while traveling. THE WORST! It is now almost official that I will not be back in NYC in time for the Cambodian Benefit dinner I was invited to on Saturday, which only adds pure diesel fuel to my flame.

The mishaps are plentiful and I truly don't know what to do with myself. I feel like I am trapped. I want nothing more that to spaz out, while I am being told to remain calm.

My least favorite part of traveling, is the actual traveling. The flights and all that comes along with them. This experience breeds pure disdain for the process now.

I STILL have no confirmation for another flight. We're approaching the three day mark. I wonder at what point the average person would break? I just want out of here.

Little did the people know, who booked my flight, but Emirates Airlines doesn't play that 'someone else paid for my flight' card. Because I was not the card holder, or the card holder wasn't flying with me, they refused to let me on the plane for the Hong Kong to Dubai, Dubai to NYC leg of the trip home.

The very legs I spoke about in the previous blog...wish me luck and sanity.

Interact with Evie: Eps. 1 Hotels vs. Hostels

Nomad•ness spinoff, Interact with Evie is here!

Welcome to the first installment of Interact with Evie, your home to ask me any travel oriented questions from previous episodes of Nomad•ness, or any blogs. The more specific, the better. Use the comments section on the website (http://www.nomadnesstv.com) to pose questions, or just hit me up in the "Contact" tab of the site! I will identify you and your questions.

Pick my brain. With Interact with Evie I'll be giving the pertinent information as to travel...we're talking visa info, border crossings, how to get from one destination to another, and whatever you all have on the brain.

Questions, please! Shouts out to Tyra, for this episodes subject matter. Hope it helps!

Peace,

Evie

don't shoot the messenger...

I'm not going to automatically put him up against Diggy...as some are, but I can still dig it.

Justin Bieber.

And then there's the one I have my eye on...Diggy Simmons.

Still on my hip-hop ish...will be back on the travel ish tomorrow.

the vocab...

Action brings dreams to life...

Flushing a conversation that I had out...

I don't get along with this person, yet I'd never not try to find the hidden "gems" that I may be able to take with me, and learn from. It's usually the most difficult people that produce the most dramatic learning opportunities in your life. Years ago I was told, "Listen to the message, despite the messenger." I've adopted that view ever since.

One of the things that stuck out in the conversation was his noting that I use the word "I", "me" and "my" more than anyone he knows.

I use the word 'know' lightly as well, just because he doesn't truly know me, himself. The short time frame, and level of past personality conflict, haven't allocated enough space and time for it. Fair enough, I would also venture to say I don't know who he truly is either.

But this note I found interesting...Interesting because it's true. This is something I know about myself. More specifically, it is something I know about myself, where I am in my life presently. I don't know if being an Aries (the sign ruled in the House of Self), or being in the midst of a numerological 1 Personal Year (the year of building self) magnifys this fact, or what, but I don't deny it's there.

It's there for a reason.

It's there because I am creating the foundation to creative projects, businesses, and relationships that fuel my soul, and will eventually fuel a livelihood. This is probably the most introspective year of my life, right now, today, as I write these words.

Writing my first book. Being a new businesses owner with Evierobbie Media. Debuting and upkeeping the Nomad•ness website and travel videos (which is doing great. Thank you all for reading and re-reading. watching and re-watcing). A new relationship. Coming into my own woman. Seeing many fruits flourish from past labor, that didn't really feel like labor because it is what I love to do. It's an extremely personal year.

Those closest to me know that I sometimes describe myself as an extrovert with very introverted tendencies, particularly writing, which has me alone and in front of my computer for hours on end, doing something I absolutely love. Those closest to me also know that through the majority of my life, I was a giver, to the point that I was panic attack ridden, with nothing left for Evita. I was physically, emotionally, and psychlogically drained for years on end. It took a long time to learn that doing something for myself is ok, with or without explanation.

It's not about me going all out only for myself. I could see where it is misunderstood as such by those who don't truly know me. It's about getting some serious moves made towards my dreams. I'll never apologize for that, as long as I'm not hurting anyone in the process.

This is a huge year in my life. I don't take any part of it for granted. I also understand that in order to accomplish certain goals, there are a number of things that need my attention. It's a beauitful thing. It's positive progress.

So when I speak on what I'm doing, it's merely to bring you into my world, voluntarily. Show you a different perspective, and a different way of doing things, not necessarily a 'better' or 'worse' way. Again, voluntarily.

It's the same reason why I update you all on Nomad•ness gals and guys that I see who embody the spirit of someone pursuing their dreams, balls to the wall. I can only support that.

(For you Malcolm Gladwell heads...why does this make me think of the 10,000 hours to genius chapter in Outliers??...)

Thailand more developed than America?

Sarah Silverman

Many celebrities have been speaking out, in different forms, on the recent influx of suicide deaths by homosexual children in the United States. Its been something that has really shaken many people up, and been the catalyst behind things like the "It Gets Better" campaign.

For some reason, I dug the shortest video I saw the most. Above is the post that Sarah Silverman did. It addressed America, dead on, about its own internal shit.

A few days ago, i was having a conversation with someone in Thailand and really gave this South East Asian country a lot of credit. Thailand is known for the lady boys population here. Namely, the fact that they make up a big portion of the prostitution population.

Yet, and still, I give Thailand all the credit in the world because they openly accept this fact. You can see a trasvestite working as a clerk at your hotel, as a conductor/waiter on your train, behind the cashier at the supermarket. They are fully integrated into the community, for what they are, people. If anyone is making fun of them, of giving them a hard time, it's usually foreigners, because we aren't used to this.

Thailand may be a developing country, yet in that regard, they may be more developed than the United States. For that, I tip my hat to Thailand. 

Suicide is never the answer.

Ed Lover's C'Mon Son 17

It's been awhile since I've posted one of these. He killed it. Ed Lover in C'Mon Son 17. So glad he touched on Soulja Boy.

And I call it right now. 

Amare Stoudemir's naked ESPN cover photo gets the Ed Lover "C'mon Son" hard body, in a future episode!

spiders or red ants?

Little did I know my second morning in Cambodia would be full of creatures of the wild. I woke up in a bed of red ants.

Then while walking down the street, in search of breakfast, I found that a Cambodian delicacy is that of eating huge spiders. Cooked tarantulas being sold on a random corner. Sweet. (No, I did not try!)

doctor's diagnosis is Dengue...

Apparently, I have Dengue Fever. Why wouldn't I? I can now check this off the list of unneccesary shit to go through during life. Another badge of honor. Something else that legitimizes the fact that. "Oh yea, you are a traveler." Bullshit.

I wish I could say that this was rare, but that'd be a lie. I've heard more about Dengue Fever here than I have traveling anywhere else. Apparently, there's been an influx, and Chiang Mai is not out of the line of fire, nor is Cambodia...so we don't know where I caught it. Yes, I probably ate something shitty in Cambodia, but that doesn't necessarily equate to Dengue.

All of my inital symptoms have subsided with due diligence and vitamins, but today the dizziness was at a height. Walking to try to get food, while being on a liquid diet for damn near two days, in Thailand heat, left me helpless when I was faced with a trek back home. We're talking, a five minute walk, that I felt I would have passed out during, if I was to complete it. I hailed a tuk tuk. I'd officially had it. Time for a second opinion.

My male landlord, also known as Thai Dad, is a retired doctor who studied in New York. Luckily, he was home. Excuse me, he was pulling out of his driveway when I came over yelling his name. He took me for food. When he saw the trouble, and painstaking amount of time it was taking for me to get it down, he took me to another hospital.

Enter Rajavej Chiang Mai Hospital.

I'm still not sure what my doctor's name was. He just told me to call him Will. I dug it. He said what I was feeling was very consistent with what normal foreigners go through when they travel, but that he wanted to check my blood to see if there is any infection. I dug him more, considering the first hospital did no such thing.

Lab. Needle in Arm.

Thirty minutes later, I was called back in with results. Everything was ok, except my white blood cells are about half of what they're supposed to be.

"I think you get bit my mosquito. Your platelets are normal though so no malaria. I say you have a mild case of dengue fever. It's almost over, maybe done on Friday. It takes usually one week," said Will.

"Ok, so there's no medicine?"

"No, viral. Get more electrolyte packets. You can buy at any store. Make sure you start to eat more. Drink a lot of water and stay away from alcohol. We will schedule another blood test on Friday morning so you can see the difference."

Thai Dad, Dr. Cosi, took care of me today. We stocked  up on electrolyte packets, cough syrup, food, and fluids. He laughed at me. "You can tell crazy story now. I was so sick, and home alone." As all the guys were gone until the next day. Or so I thought...

I was surprised by two of my favorites about an hour ago. While I was mixing my concoction, they walked through the door. When I asked why they'd returned so early, Jean-Pierre offered over a "just making sure you're alright". I love these dudes...

Ps. For more info on Dengue Fever click here. Inform yourself.

Pps. Fuck mosquitos.

Ppps. Even if I did get this in Cambodia, I'd still go back because it was bomb! :)

fish spa...

I had been eyeing it for awhile. Walking down the streets in Thailand, you see people with their legs knee deep in huge fish tanks. The sight looks like something out of a horror flick, but apparently this is their rendition of a spa. My curiosity for the weird never fails me. I knew I’d do this, I just never knew when.

After a glass of wine, on Pub Street, I gave my feet over to the fish in Siem Reap. They eat the dead skin off of your feet. It feels crazy and is so much more psychological than, I think, it is physical.

Insane! Enjoy the video...